Separation Anxiety

Tonight I am temporarily babyless. It is sooo much harder than I anticipated. When M was a baby, I routinely packed her off to my mom's for a night or two at a time starting when she was just a newborn. We were living in Fargo at the time, 200 miles away from my family and 300 miles from my husband's. She couldn't go to daycare (because she was a preemie, daycares required a doc's okay and her doc wouldn't do it because of her health) so when hubby and I had to work at the same time (usually a couple of times a month or so), our only real option was to have her with my folks. Heck, I left the country without her when she was barely two months old. L is over 4 months old already, and other than her NICU stay, she has not been away from me for more than a few hours, let alone overnight. We thought it was time for a 'test run'. To let her stay overnight at Grandma's house as sort of a dry run, when we would still be close by and available if needed. Because there will come a time when she will need to be away from me overnight - a weekend getaway, illness, etc. - and it is nice to know how it goes ahead of time. So this afternoon I took L, along with a diaper bag stuffed with clothes and diapers and such and a cooler full of expressed milk, and abandoned her at Grandma's house (which is about 10 minutes away). Hubby and I spent a really nice evening focusing our attention on M - we saw a movie, spent two hours at a bookstore and had a good dinner.

It was great to have that time with M, and I know she really needed and enjoyed it (she absolutely adores L and would not give her up for anything, but she needs time for just her, too). But being away from L was much harder than I thought it would be. I lost count of how many mini anxiety attacks I have had tonight. I never felt like this when M was away from me as a baby (later, when she was older and critically ill, it was a different story...). I missed her, but did not have panic attacks that took my breath away. I think the difference is the NICU stay. Being away from her tonight is giving me flashbacks of her stay in the NICU, and the fear and anxiety that went along with that experience. She was a tough little fighter, but she was so little and fragile and helpless - it made me feel small and helpless and fragile. I had not realized the scars left by having her taken from me so suddenly and rushed to a hospital an hour away, not seeing her for three days, not being able to hold her for almost a week, having to leave her at night and go home with empty arms. I know that my baby girl is safe and happy (she LOOOOVES her grandma), but her mommy is hurting.

So, why do I do this? I have several damn good (in my opinion) reasons. First, my babies do not belong to me. I do not own them. They have been entrusted to my care, and I thank God every day for that blessing. But they have a daddy and uncles and aunts and grandparents who love them too and I have to share. Second, and most important, I know that I will not always be there. My absence may be temporary, due to an appointment, a meeting, a trip or an illness or it may be long term or permanent, but at some point, an absence there will be. One of the best things I can do for my girls is to make sure they know how to rely on others for care and comfort. Knowing they have strong bonds with at least one or two others outside of our house is a great comfort to me, too. Even now, as a teenager, I know (from experience) that when M is upset or has a problem or needs to talk, if I am not available (or if she just does not want to come to me - heck, she is a teenager, frequently I am the problem) she can and will turn to my mom or my brother for help and support. She knows that they are there for her, and I know that they will be there for L, too. I love that they both will know and have such a strong support system and guidance to help them grow up. It takes a village, and all that. Third, I learned a long time ago that I am a better mommy if I have a break now and then. Kids appreciate their parents more when they get a break from them, too. Win-win.

But right now, I miss my tiny baby. Good thing my first baby is still here. I think I might go watch her sleep for a few minutes.

Belly Laughs

Today my tiny baby laughed - really laughed - for the first time. She is a very smiley, happy baby, and she has had little almost giggles, but not like the real laugh she gave me today. And thanks to my mom, I have it on video. I don't care how hardened or cynical you are, when you hear a baby laugh, part of you just melts inside. L was on my lap, and I was snuzzling her little neck and making fake laughing noises, and I guess it tickled her funny bone. I had tears streaming down my face as she laughed and laughed. When M laughed for the first time, it was for the dog. (Don't tell my husband...he thinks he inspired her first laugh) But this time, my baby's first laugh was for me! Baby laughter is very powerful (just ask Tinkerbell - Disney taught me that fairies are born from a baby's first laugh) and is one of my most favoritest sounds in the world. But I was unprepared for the impact this milestone had on me today. I am quite sure that the fairy born this afternoon will be the best one ever.

I am

I was catching up on my blog reading this week, and ran across something that hit me. One blogger had a list on her blog of what she is and is not. She had a very interesting, comprehensive list. I thought, "wow, I don't know that I could come up with that impressive of a list". But then last night, in the quiet dark hours trying to get my baby to sleep, I began creating my own list in my head. And I surprised myself. I suspect that this list is a fluid one - ever changing and evolving - but I thought I would give it a try, and share what I am and am not, at least for today.

1. I am Christian

2. I am a good mom - even when my teenager disagrees

3. I am outgoing

4. I am a moderate procrastinator

5. I am conservative

6. I am patient...sometimes

7. I am impatient...often

8. I am a writer

9. I am an avid reader

10. I am a nurturer

11. I am thoughtful

12. I am smart

13. I am grateful

14. I am not graceful

15. I am not an outdoorswoman

16. I am creative

17. I am a wife

18. I am blessed

19. I am an aunt

20. I am a sister

21. I am a granddaughter (and great granddaughter)

22. I am a worrier

23. I am afraid of spiders

24. I am a Disneyphile

25. I am loving

26. I am very protective of my family

27. I am asthmatic

28. I am not meek

29. I am not subtle

30. I am dramatic

31. I am a singer

32. I am a multi-tasker

33. I am a caregiver

34. I am strong

35. I am very hard on myself

36. I am injury prone

37. I am careful

38. I am loud

39. I am learning


Wow. It is amazing to me what making this list did. It made me take inventory of where I am, what I am, who I am. There are things on the list that I am proud of, and some things that, well, not so much. But they are on the list because I want to be aware of them, work on changing them and be a better me. How about you? What does your list look like?

Mini-me

Yesterday L was 3mos and 3 days old. Not usually a significant milestone, but it required a special photo session. You see, at the exact same age, I had my pictures taken in a white sweater dress with green trim. Also at the exact same age, M had her photos taken in the same dress. So, you guessed it, L had her pics taken in the same dress. The dress was a bit more snug on her than it was on me or her sister, but adorable nonetheless.



The other notable difference is that L has very little hair. What she does have is reddish blond and beautiful. Baldish babies are kind of an anomaly in my family. Even my niece, who has been blonde since day one, had tons of hair. Not L. She has very little hair. It is growing, though. I hope it stays reddish. I love red hair.

Anyway, it got me to thinking about some of the differences between me and L and M. I always thought M was as much of a mini-me as I could get. Until I saw L. Wow. She is soooo much like M in so many ways, and M is so much like me, but put my baby pic next to L's and it is kinda freaky. The only difference is that I had a full head of hair and, well, she doesn't, and that she is a little bigger than I was. Not only does she look like me, but the expressions, body positions and mannerisms are already just like mine. We even stretch the same way. I wonder what else will be the same, and what will be unique to her.

When I was a kid (oh, who am I kidding, I am still this way) I did not like to get dirty, sticky or get any nature on me. I never liked finger painting, and much to my mother's dismay, categorically refused to squish my bare toes in the mud. I do not like to get nature on me (which is a challenge when we go camping). Very prissy. However, I also refused to be girly - no lacy, frilly clothes or dresses for me. I much prefered the jeans and tee comfort, thank you very much. M was (and is) quite the opposite. She has no qualms about getting dirty, loves to climb trees and "be one" with nature. But as a little girl, she preferred to do it in a dress. Go figure. It makes me wonder what L will be like in that regard. Like me? Like M? or somewhere in between? I guess I will just have to wait and find out. I can't wait!

Shots are not fun for anyone

L is growing and doing very well. As a reward, she got three shots today. She was less than thrilled. She was less than impressed with the fact that she got an almost month long reprieve, as she was too little at her two month visit to get them. I know that there are a lot of people out there who are against immunizations for one reason or another. I try to respect that, I really do. But I have a hard time with it. The fact of the matter is, immunizations save lives. I have two daughters. One of them is not able, due to a chronic critical condition and allergic reactions, to get most immunizations. The other is a tiny baby just starting hers. I want to protect my babies in every way that I can. Including immunizations whenever possible. It is painful to watch your child get shots and hurt from them, but it is even more painful to watch your child in a hospital bed, suffering from an illness that could have been prevented if everyone followed all of the immunization guidelines possible. Wondering if they will survive. I have lived through this, and I do not wish it on any parent. So I let my baby get poked today, and afterwards I cuddled and comforted her. I told her how much I loved her, and I thanked God that I am able to protect her and those around her in this way.

Post in which this becomes a mommyblog

I am a mommy. I have over 15 years experience...but I am starting over again. Yes, folks, I have a teenager and a newborn. Diapers and driving lessons all at the same time! I always wanted kids - I thought 4 sounded just about right - but as a young adult I was told it probably would not happen for me. Years of weekly penicillin shots and chest xrays, steroids and other meds had most likely made my fertility less than optimal. At 19 I was diagnosed with a pre-cancerous cervical abnormality that required surgery. Two years later, it recurred at a more severe level, required a more aggressive surgery. I was warned that because of the surgery, the likelihood of my carrying a pregnancy successfully to term even if I did manage to conceive was something like 1 in 3. Bummer. But my fiance decided he loved me enough anyway and we got married less than 2 weeks after the surgery. We settled into life in our small apartment with our dog. He worked, I worked part-time while going to school full-time. Then a year and a half later we were stunned to find out we were pregnant! (My mom knew before I did...but that is a story for another day.) After a difficult, eventful pregnancy during the hottest Fargo summer on record, M was born on a dark and stormy July evening six weeks before her due date. I may share her birth story here another day, but not today. I was thrilled to finally be a mommy. At 23, I was old to be having my first baby in my family, but I had hopes that I was still young enough that I would have time to have more. (Many of the women in my family had to have hysterectomies at young ages.) We tried on our own for a long time, figuring we did it once, we should be able to do it again, dammit! But alas, no. After two early miscarriages, we turned to medical support - tests showed that we were perfectly "normal" and were dealing with unexplained secondary infertility. So, we tried drugs. That sucked in a whole new way. Man, you really have to want a baby BAD do deal with that stuff. After a couple years of "assisted" fertility with no dice, we gave up. I prayed that I would be able to make peace with being the mother of an only child.

Then in the spring of this year, I realized that I was late. Really late. Took a test, and waddya know? Knocked up! Yay! Waaaiiiit a minute...pause for momentary panic...I am old! I have a teenager! I am OLD!! Okay, calming down. I am not that old, only 37. My teenager desperately wants a sibling. I will only be 38 when baby comes - not quite decrepit yet. I can do this. It is what I have prayed for and dreamed of for soooooo long. Hubby had some freaked out panic, too, so I did not feel so bad. It was an eventful pregnancy from the get go (and yes, my mom knew before I did again...more on that another time) and L has been all about the drama from the beginning. But I am loving every minute - even the hard ones - of being the mother of two. Especially these two.

Pinky & the Zebra explained

I have two beautiful girls. M is 15 years old and L is 10 weeks. They are my miracles in so many ways. M was born at 34 weeks, not quite two years after I had surgery for cervical cancer. She is medically fragile, and has endured so much pain, but is a survivor. L was born at 36 weeks, after years of unexplained secondary infertility, and spent 11 days in the NICU due to respiratory distress.

There is a saying that doctors are taught in medical school..."When you hear hoofbeats, think horses, not zebras." They are encouraged to look for the obvious answers - "textbook" if you will - in their patients, assuming that the common answer will be the right one, instead of looking further and thinking outside the box. Because, you see, looking for the unusual and thinking outside the box medically means more tests, more time and more money "wasted". But for the patients who don't respond to textbook treatment, or whose cases are puzzles that aren't easily solved with "normal" methods, they need more. My M is a zebra. From the beginning, she had constant infections and illnesses, severe allergic reactions to foods and medications and struggled overall healthwise. Test results did not add up to anything familiar, so everything was blamed on her prematurity. Finally, when she was 5, with a new team of doctors in place who were dedicated to finding the right answers instead of the easy ones, she was diagnosed with CVID (common variable immune deficiency) and hypogammaglobunemia. By looking for zebras instead of just horses, they saved my girl's life. The sickly little girl who was still in a stroller at age 5 because she did not have the energy to walk, and who we did not think would survive is now a beautiful teenage girl. She is still medically fragile and requires regular treatments and medications and does have some physical limitations, but she is a survivor. The child who spent weeks at a time isolated or in the hospital is now in high school, participating in drama and music. We have found a great resource in the Immune Deficiency Foundation (IDF), whose slogan is "Think Zebra!"

When M was small, she named every doll, lovey and stuffed animal "Pinky". While this quirk was cute on the surface, it made for some heartbreakingly frustrating moments when she would be tired or scared or upset and sobbing for "Pinky"...ummm, okay...which one?!?!?! When my youngest brother's daughter was born, M was adamant that she be named Pinky. She lost that battle, and baby was named after Grandma instead (thankfully!). This spring, when we told M that we were, in fact, expecting a baby in the fall, her instant response was "it's about time, Mom!!" She did not like refering to our baby to be as "it" (neither did I), so for old times' sake, we used Pinky. When we found out in July that she was a girl, we were thrilled. M's squeals of joy were heard in three states. L has a real name on her birth certificate, of course, but she is still our Pinky.

So, there you have it. I have a Pinky, and I have a Zebra. They are the most precious things in my world, and I am thankful every day that I get to be their mommy. Stay tuned...you will be reading more about both of them!

Hmmm...this is looking more and more like it will be a mommy blog...

Hello Internets

I have been a blog lurker for a long time, and recently graduated to occasional commenting. But I think I have more that I would like to say, so it is time to start a blog of my own. Awww...it is like a milestone - my very first blog.

What will I post about? Hmmm...so many possibilities.

Parenting? I do a lot of that in real life, so the material would literally be endless. My daughters M and L are 15 years and two months old respectively (yes, it is a wide age gap; no, it was not planned; yes, I am thrilled to be a "new" mommy again). M is classified as "medically fragile" (don't worry, I am sure there will be more on that later...) and L was a NICU baby. Both girls are miracles in more ways than one. I kept a journal when M was cooking and when she was a baby, and I guess a blog is today's journal.

Living unemployed? Well, I have been out of work for just over a year and a half, and it does affect life in general, but it also gets depressing. So, while there will probably be some posts related to joblessness, I don't plan to make it a main focus.

Life in general? Again, endless fodder for posting, but kind of unfocused.

I think I will just post what is on my mind. A lot of it will be "mommyblogging" I am sure, but I will keep my options open to other topics, too. Like in-laws, naughty dogs, pet peeves, etc. Sometimes I may rant and rave, sometimes I may manage to be a little bit funny. Rest assured, I am very rarely the sappy maudlin type. (But I may write letters to my daughters, and that would be the exception).

Oh, word of warning? I do have some minor procrastination tendencies. My goal to start is to post at least once a week and see how it goes. I may even work up to adding regular photos, but let's not get ahead of ourselves and go all crazy yet.

Maybe next time I will introduce myself more thoroughly. Maybe not. We'll see.