Tonight I am temporarily babyless. It is sooo much harder than I anticipated. When M was a baby, I routinely packed her off to my mom's for a night or two at a time starting when she was just a newborn. We were living in Fargo at the time, 200 miles away from my family and 300 miles from my husband's. She couldn't go to daycare (because she was a preemie, daycares required a doc's okay and her doc wouldn't do it because of her health) so when hubby and I had to work at the same time (usually a couple of times a month or so), our only real option was to have her with my folks. Heck, I left the country without her when she was barely two months old. L is over 4 months old already, and other than her NICU stay, she has not been away from me for more than a few hours, let alone overnight. We thought it was time for a 'test run'. To let her stay overnight at Grandma's house as sort of a dry run, when we would still be close by and available if needed. Because there will come a time when she will need to be away from me overnight - a weekend getaway, illness, etc. - and it is nice to know how it goes ahead of time. So this afternoon I took L, along with a diaper bag stuffed with clothes and diapers and such and a cooler full of expressed milk, and abandoned her at Grandma's house (which is about 10 minutes away). Hubby and I spent a really nice evening focusing our attention on M - we saw a movie, spent two hours at a bookstore and had a good dinner.
It was great to have that time with M, and I know she really needed and enjoyed it (she absolutely adores L and would not give her up for anything, but she needs time for just her, too). But being away from L was much harder than I thought it would be. I lost count of how many mini anxiety attacks I have had tonight. I never felt like this when M was away from me as a baby (later, when she was older and critically ill, it was a different story...). I missed her, but did not have panic attacks that took my breath away. I think the difference is the NICU stay. Being away from her tonight is giving me flashbacks of her stay in the NICU, and the fear and anxiety that went along with that experience. She was a tough little fighter, but she was so little and fragile and helpless - it made me feel small and helpless and fragile. I had not realized the scars left by having her taken from me so suddenly and rushed to a hospital an hour away, not seeing her for three days, not being able to hold her for almost a week, having to leave her at night and go home with empty arms. I know that my baby girl is safe and happy (she LOOOOVES her grandma), but her mommy is hurting.
So, why do I do this? I have several damn good (in my opinion) reasons. First, my babies do not belong to me. I do not own them. They have been entrusted to my care, and I thank God every day for that blessing. But they have a daddy and uncles and aunts and grandparents who love them too and I have to share. Second, and most important, I know that I will not always be there. My absence may be temporary, due to an appointment, a meeting, a trip or an illness or it may be long term or permanent, but at some point, an absence there will be. One of the best things I can do for my girls is to make sure they know how to rely on others for care and comfort. Knowing they have strong bonds with at least one or two others outside of our house is a great comfort to me, too. Even now, as a teenager, I know (from experience) that when M is upset or has a problem or needs to talk, if I am not available (or if she just does not want to come to me - heck, she is a teenager, frequently I am the problem) she can and will turn to my mom or my brother for help and support. She knows that they are there for her, and I know that they will be there for L, too. I love that they both will know and have such a strong support system and guidance to help them grow up. It takes a village, and all that. Third, I learned a long time ago that I am a better mommy if I have a break now and then. Kids appreciate their parents more when they get a break from them, too. Win-win.
But right now, I miss my tiny baby. Good thing my first baby is still here. I think I might go watch her sleep for a few minutes.
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