Shots are not fun for anyone

L is growing and doing very well. As a reward, she got three shots today. She was less than thrilled. She was less than impressed with the fact that she got an almost month long reprieve, as she was too little at her two month visit to get them. I know that there are a lot of people out there who are against immunizations for one reason or another. I try to respect that, I really do. But I have a hard time with it. The fact of the matter is, immunizations save lives. I have two daughters. One of them is not able, due to a chronic critical condition and allergic reactions, to get most immunizations. The other is a tiny baby just starting hers. I want to protect my babies in every way that I can. Including immunizations whenever possible. It is painful to watch your child get shots and hurt from them, but it is even more painful to watch your child in a hospital bed, suffering from an illness that could have been prevented if everyone followed all of the immunization guidelines possible. Wondering if they will survive. I have lived through this, and I do not wish it on any parent. So I let my baby get poked today, and afterwards I cuddled and comforted her. I told her how much I loved her, and I thanked God that I am able to protect her and those around her in this way.

Post in which this becomes a mommyblog

I am a mommy. I have over 15 years experience...but I am starting over again. Yes, folks, I have a teenager and a newborn. Diapers and driving lessons all at the same time! I always wanted kids - I thought 4 sounded just about right - but as a young adult I was told it probably would not happen for me. Years of weekly penicillin shots and chest xrays, steroids and other meds had most likely made my fertility less than optimal. At 19 I was diagnosed with a pre-cancerous cervical abnormality that required surgery. Two years later, it recurred at a more severe level, required a more aggressive surgery. I was warned that because of the surgery, the likelihood of my carrying a pregnancy successfully to term even if I did manage to conceive was something like 1 in 3. Bummer. But my fiance decided he loved me enough anyway and we got married less than 2 weeks after the surgery. We settled into life in our small apartment with our dog. He worked, I worked part-time while going to school full-time. Then a year and a half later we were stunned to find out we were pregnant! (My mom knew before I did...but that is a story for another day.) After a difficult, eventful pregnancy during the hottest Fargo summer on record, M was born on a dark and stormy July evening six weeks before her due date. I may share her birth story here another day, but not today. I was thrilled to finally be a mommy. At 23, I was old to be having my first baby in my family, but I had hopes that I was still young enough that I would have time to have more. (Many of the women in my family had to have hysterectomies at young ages.) We tried on our own for a long time, figuring we did it once, we should be able to do it again, dammit! But alas, no. After two early miscarriages, we turned to medical support - tests showed that we were perfectly "normal" and were dealing with unexplained secondary infertility. So, we tried drugs. That sucked in a whole new way. Man, you really have to want a baby BAD do deal with that stuff. After a couple years of "assisted" fertility with no dice, we gave up. I prayed that I would be able to make peace with being the mother of an only child.

Then in the spring of this year, I realized that I was late. Really late. Took a test, and waddya know? Knocked up! Yay! Waaaiiiit a minute...pause for momentary panic...I am old! I have a teenager! I am OLD!! Okay, calming down. I am not that old, only 37. My teenager desperately wants a sibling. I will only be 38 when baby comes - not quite decrepit yet. I can do this. It is what I have prayed for and dreamed of for soooooo long. Hubby had some freaked out panic, too, so I did not feel so bad. It was an eventful pregnancy from the get go (and yes, my mom knew before I did again...more on that another time) and L has been all about the drama from the beginning. But I am loving every minute - even the hard ones - of being the mother of two. Especially these two.

Pinky & the Zebra explained

I have two beautiful girls. M is 15 years old and L is 10 weeks. They are my miracles in so many ways. M was born at 34 weeks, not quite two years after I had surgery for cervical cancer. She is medically fragile, and has endured so much pain, but is a survivor. L was born at 36 weeks, after years of unexplained secondary infertility, and spent 11 days in the NICU due to respiratory distress.

There is a saying that doctors are taught in medical school..."When you hear hoofbeats, think horses, not zebras." They are encouraged to look for the obvious answers - "textbook" if you will - in their patients, assuming that the common answer will be the right one, instead of looking further and thinking outside the box. Because, you see, looking for the unusual and thinking outside the box medically means more tests, more time and more money "wasted". But for the patients who don't respond to textbook treatment, or whose cases are puzzles that aren't easily solved with "normal" methods, they need more. My M is a zebra. From the beginning, she had constant infections and illnesses, severe allergic reactions to foods and medications and struggled overall healthwise. Test results did not add up to anything familiar, so everything was blamed on her prematurity. Finally, when she was 5, with a new team of doctors in place who were dedicated to finding the right answers instead of the easy ones, she was diagnosed with CVID (common variable immune deficiency) and hypogammaglobunemia. By looking for zebras instead of just horses, they saved my girl's life. The sickly little girl who was still in a stroller at age 5 because she did not have the energy to walk, and who we did not think would survive is now a beautiful teenage girl. She is still medically fragile and requires regular treatments and medications and does have some physical limitations, but she is a survivor. The child who spent weeks at a time isolated or in the hospital is now in high school, participating in drama and music. We have found a great resource in the Immune Deficiency Foundation (IDF), whose slogan is "Think Zebra!"

When M was small, she named every doll, lovey and stuffed animal "Pinky". While this quirk was cute on the surface, it made for some heartbreakingly frustrating moments when she would be tired or scared or upset and sobbing for "Pinky"...ummm, okay...which one?!?!?! When my youngest brother's daughter was born, M was adamant that she be named Pinky. She lost that battle, and baby was named after Grandma instead (thankfully!). This spring, when we told M that we were, in fact, expecting a baby in the fall, her instant response was "it's about time, Mom!!" She did not like refering to our baby to be as "it" (neither did I), so for old times' sake, we used Pinky. When we found out in July that she was a girl, we were thrilled. M's squeals of joy were heard in three states. L has a real name on her birth certificate, of course, but she is still our Pinky.

So, there you have it. I have a Pinky, and I have a Zebra. They are the most precious things in my world, and I am thankful every day that I get to be their mommy. Stay tuned...you will be reading more about both of them!

Hmmm...this is looking more and more like it will be a mommy blog...

Hello Internets

I have been a blog lurker for a long time, and recently graduated to occasional commenting. But I think I have more that I would like to say, so it is time to start a blog of my own. Awww...it is like a milestone - my very first blog.

What will I post about? Hmmm...so many possibilities.

Parenting? I do a lot of that in real life, so the material would literally be endless. My daughters M and L are 15 years and two months old respectively (yes, it is a wide age gap; no, it was not planned; yes, I am thrilled to be a "new" mommy again). M is classified as "medically fragile" (don't worry, I am sure there will be more on that later...) and L was a NICU baby. Both girls are miracles in more ways than one. I kept a journal when M was cooking and when she was a baby, and I guess a blog is today's journal.

Living unemployed? Well, I have been out of work for just over a year and a half, and it does affect life in general, but it also gets depressing. So, while there will probably be some posts related to joblessness, I don't plan to make it a main focus.

Life in general? Again, endless fodder for posting, but kind of unfocused.

I think I will just post what is on my mind. A lot of it will be "mommyblogging" I am sure, but I will keep my options open to other topics, too. Like in-laws, naughty dogs, pet peeves, etc. Sometimes I may rant and rave, sometimes I may manage to be a little bit funny. Rest assured, I am very rarely the sappy maudlin type. (But I may write letters to my daughters, and that would be the exception).

Oh, word of warning? I do have some minor procrastination tendencies. My goal to start is to post at least once a week and see how it goes. I may even work up to adding regular photos, but let's not get ahead of ourselves and go all crazy yet.

Maybe next time I will introduce myself more thoroughly. Maybe not. We'll see.